Little did I know last year about this time, how different my life would be today. My today is better than my yesterday. I am blessed and grateful that I am able to speak those words.
I was blessed with many dreams from last year until even about one hour ago. I got up and started gathering some of the old papers written and plugged a few in. The irony of my life of last year and my life of this year. I was turning 40.
Here I am 40, soon to turn 41 and the dreaming with wolves has started again. It had stopped for a little bit. Do I dare write down the past dreams from this year? Or do I just start from tonight from about an hour ago?
My physical body is the weakest it has ever been. I am coming to terms of what I can do today versus what I used to be able to do yesterday. That is lie, I am fighting it with every inch of my body, soul, and spirit. I was able to work through some of the pain today. It has been along time since I have had the strength to do that.
I laid myself down to take a nap and I was sleeping, dreaming, I was surrounded by glorious vegetation, reminders of my youth no doubt, in my jungle. I was floating in my favorite river, just allowing my heart to heal and to just be. I love the quietness one can hear and feel when you are floating in the water and your ears are submersed in the water and it is like a blanket of quietness. Like a gentle hug from the water that surrounds you and carries you and holds you as you float and breathe the quietness in.
I got out of the water and laid down in the green area, my favorite blankets and pillows were already there. Nothing like falling asleep while you are already in a dream. I woke up and found Moon close by.
I was overwhelmed and cried as I hugged my dear friend. "I missed you Moon." "I have not left you my dear, I am always around." "Allow yourself to heal, allow your heart, spirit, and soul to continue healing, your body begs for sleep, for it is how it heals." "Moon, how do I heal my physical body?" Tears ran down my face and Moon asked me, "what was the first step in allowing your heart to heal?" I whispered, "acceptance, acceptance of what I feel in my heart, but how do I accept my physical weakness?" "It feels like accepting my physical weakness at this moment, would be like giving up?" " I will not give up on myself, others do not understand and I realize that I do not want them to know the extent of my physical pain, physical weakness, my spirit and heart is strong." "Is not the strength in my heart not enough?"
"Our world is what you make of it. Here we are together, you are dreaming and yet you are physically weak. Why are you physically weak in your dreams? Do you not prefer to be physically strong, even if only in your dreams?"
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
In This Life, My Dear, Which Would You Prefer?
2 April 2011
Moon is strong, white with silver streaks across her back. She is not any wolf; she is the leader of the pack. Her fur coat shines in the moonlight and sometimes mixes with the night wind and when it blows it creates beautiful waves of shiny sparkly lights that are like waves on their back.
I did not have a restful sleep last night. I slept but it was a sleep that in the morning I woke up out of sorts. I recall discussing I know 2 + 2 = 4; but when I am out of sorts I know the answer is 4, but my mouth will come up with something random like 36.
I grabbed a cup of coffee to avoid a headache. As I sat down to look at photos from online users who share photos, I found a photo that jolted me. The photos I saw were filling my heart and soul with much emotion and when I came to this one I recalled what my dreams of last night were.
The photo was of two hawks standing next to each other. Both just barely fitting on the fence post; yet still making room for one another. Both with wings opened; free yet together, soul mates.
Moon is gentle yet direct with her words. We talked about soul mates; the idea of soul mates, does such a thing exist? What if it did? What if it did not? Either way, would you want to live in a world where the concept does not exist? Or do you want to live in a world where the concept exists? For we each make our world, our reality, our dreams.
I cried last night in my dreams. Moon was there and a few others. I cried among friends. I remember as a little girl drowning, I remember speaking to angels, and yes most will say it was lack of oxygen. I remember two angels talking two each other every once in a while glancing at me. "Will she find love?" "No," as the angel looked at me and saw my expression on my face, I was young, and kept silent at this moment. She looked at me, looked down and then looked away as she continued to shake her head.
My tears were not sad tears, for I knew she was wrong. I have been blessed with many types and kinds of love. My life has been filled with much love. love for God, love for Christ, love for my children, family, friends, nature, earth, animals, humanity. Whether my love was accepted, rejected, returned, laughed at, or rejoiced and reciprocated, my life has been filled with much love and I am grateful.
It was a night full of learning, growing, filled with raw moments and most important filled with mercy and compassion among friends.
"You are correct my dear, you have been blessed with love in your life, said Moon." "Tell me, can you say you have experienced the love of a soul mate?" Did the questions end there? No; they continued until this last question.
Was it the last question that left me out of sorts or was it the questions as a whole that left me out of sorts? Moon gently asked, "If soul mates are real, you can choose to live your life next to your soul mate or choose to live apart from your soul mate. In this life, my dear, which would you prefer?"
Moon is strong, white with silver streaks across her back. She is not any wolf; she is the leader of the pack. Her fur coat shines in the moonlight and sometimes mixes with the night wind and when it blows it creates beautiful waves of shiny sparkly lights that are like waves on their back.
I did not have a restful sleep last night. I slept but it was a sleep that in the morning I woke up out of sorts. I recall discussing I know 2 + 2 = 4; but when I am out of sorts I know the answer is 4, but my mouth will come up with something random like 36.
I grabbed a cup of coffee to avoid a headache. As I sat down to look at photos from online users who share photos, I found a photo that jolted me. The photos I saw were filling my heart and soul with much emotion and when I came to this one I recalled what my dreams of last night were.
The photo was of two hawks standing next to each other. Both just barely fitting on the fence post; yet still making room for one another. Both with wings opened; free yet together, soul mates.
Moon is gentle yet direct with her words. We talked about soul mates; the idea of soul mates, does such a thing exist? What if it did? What if it did not? Either way, would you want to live in a world where the concept does not exist? Or do you want to live in a world where the concept exists? For we each make our world, our reality, our dreams.
I cried last night in my dreams. Moon was there and a few others. I cried among friends. I remember as a little girl drowning, I remember speaking to angels, and yes most will say it was lack of oxygen. I remember two angels talking two each other every once in a while glancing at me. "Will she find love?" "No," as the angel looked at me and saw my expression on my face, I was young, and kept silent at this moment. She looked at me, looked down and then looked away as she continued to shake her head.
My tears were not sad tears, for I knew she was wrong. I have been blessed with many types and kinds of love. My life has been filled with much love. love for God, love for Christ, love for my children, family, friends, nature, earth, animals, humanity. Whether my love was accepted, rejected, returned, laughed at, or rejoiced and reciprocated, my life has been filled with much love and I am grateful.
It was a night full of learning, growing, filled with raw moments and most important filled with mercy and compassion among friends.
"You are correct my dear, you have been blessed with love in your life, said Moon." "Tell me, can you say you have experienced the love of a soul mate?" Did the questions end there? No; they continued until this last question.
Was it the last question that left me out of sorts or was it the questions as a whole that left me out of sorts? Moon gently asked, "If soul mates are real, you can choose to live your life next to your soul mate or choose to live apart from your soul mate. In this life, my dear, which would you prefer?"
When Exactly Did My Dreams With The Wolves Start?
19 March 2011
I am grateful when they come and I am grateful when they go. These dreams filled with journeys and adventures are treasures to me that I hold dearly in my heart. They are meaningless yet they hold much thought and much enlightenment.
I love the balance of both. They constantly show me balance. How exactly is the balance accomplished in bridging the two-worlds; the world of meaningless nothing and the world of much thought and enlightenment? Is the balance of both a gift? In my world it just is. I have recently become aware my dreaming with wolves is sometimes triggered when there is an imbalance in my life.
No matter how the dreaming starts and what is going on in my life, one of the main keys always ends up being some type of imbalance. Once the balance is attained again the dreams continue for a bit and it is like a passage each time. Once we are in a balance state, myself, my dreams, my wolves, we are allowed a few moments of peace and joy together before they go.
I am not writing to teach someone how to dream with wolves. I am not sure how I started, how it has progressed to journeys, how to bring them on, it just is. I am now finally almost reaching 40 and realizing, they come and guide me during times of much distress. Not physical, financial, sometimes emotional, but most importantly spiritual distress. Is emotional and spiritual distress the same? Can one exist without the other?
As a Christian, I remember a time when I wondered if it is okay to dream about wolves. Is it okay for wolves to guide me? I realize last year that my wolves are Christian in their hearts, spirits, and souls. We have had many journeys discussing Christ, Christian values, and meanings of many Bible Scriptures.
I love the timing of the dreams. I got a book in the mail today and started reading it and the messages in the book relate to my dreams with the wolves last night, leaving much to think about. The book stirred many emotions, from confusion, distaste, joy, compassion, and inner thought. I love inner thought. If I ever had a demon, inner thought would be it. The need to have solitude around me is great at times and when I ignore it I find myself many times lost in inner thoughts as the world around me continues. It is not surprising that these inner thoughts end up as themes in my dreams with wolves.
It never occurred to me until last year that not everybody has dreams like these. I am still trying to understand a life without dreaming like this. For many years, I prayed, asking for friends, family, acquaintances to enjoy their dream journeys and find much meaning and find much nothingness at the same time. It was early 2010 when I was left shell shocked by the idea of individuals not having these nightly companions to help guide, to help endure, to help enjoy life, to laugh with, and to cry with.
I had a lot of things going on, a lot of decisions to make, and it blew my mind to a great sense of despair when I realized, not everyone has dreams like this. I was angry at myself for being so naive as to think everyone did. I confess out of everything that was going on in my life, this was the greatest blow to my heart, spirit, and soul. I cried for all, I felt such sorrow for all, such sadness for all, it engulfed me.
These dreams are such a part of me, a part of my inner me, spiritually so profound in my heart and such an intrigal part of my search and discovery of who I am that for a moment I thought how could one be and not have dreams like this? I was devastated. The feelings of devastation were not for me, but for those souls that do not have dream companions. I cried for them, I cried for you, I cried for me, I cried for all of us. How could that be possible? My heart did not understand. My heart still does not understand. One thing that I have learned is it is okay to not understand at times.
Moon taught me that. It is okay not to understand things at times. When the time is right the meaning will come. She also taught me the concept that "the time is right" means not when I am ready but when everyone around me is also ready. Or not only when they are ready but when I am also ready. We are all intertwined in dreams.
I love all my wolves, but I met Moon first. She has journeyed with me since I was small. How small I am not sure, but that is one of the goals I hope to recall. When exactly did my dreams with the wolves start?
I am grateful when they come and I am grateful when they go. These dreams filled with journeys and adventures are treasures to me that I hold dearly in my heart. They are meaningless yet they hold much thought and much enlightenment.
I love the balance of both. They constantly show me balance. How exactly is the balance accomplished in bridging the two-worlds; the world of meaningless nothing and the world of much thought and enlightenment? Is the balance of both a gift? In my world it just is. I have recently become aware my dreaming with wolves is sometimes triggered when there is an imbalance in my life.
No matter how the dreaming starts and what is going on in my life, one of the main keys always ends up being some type of imbalance. Once the balance is attained again the dreams continue for a bit and it is like a passage each time. Once we are in a balance state, myself, my dreams, my wolves, we are allowed a few moments of peace and joy together before they go.
I am not writing to teach someone how to dream with wolves. I am not sure how I started, how it has progressed to journeys, how to bring them on, it just is. I am now finally almost reaching 40 and realizing, they come and guide me during times of much distress. Not physical, financial, sometimes emotional, but most importantly spiritual distress. Is emotional and spiritual distress the same? Can one exist without the other?
As a Christian, I remember a time when I wondered if it is okay to dream about wolves. Is it okay for wolves to guide me? I realize last year that my wolves are Christian in their hearts, spirits, and souls. We have had many journeys discussing Christ, Christian values, and meanings of many Bible Scriptures.
I love the timing of the dreams. I got a book in the mail today and started reading it and the messages in the book relate to my dreams with the wolves last night, leaving much to think about. The book stirred many emotions, from confusion, distaste, joy, compassion, and inner thought. I love inner thought. If I ever had a demon, inner thought would be it. The need to have solitude around me is great at times and when I ignore it I find myself many times lost in inner thoughts as the world around me continues. It is not surprising that these inner thoughts end up as themes in my dreams with wolves.
It never occurred to me until last year that not everybody has dreams like these. I am still trying to understand a life without dreaming like this. For many years, I prayed, asking for friends, family, acquaintances to enjoy their dream journeys and find much meaning and find much nothingness at the same time. It was early 2010 when I was left shell shocked by the idea of individuals not having these nightly companions to help guide, to help endure, to help enjoy life, to laugh with, and to cry with.
I had a lot of things going on, a lot of decisions to make, and it blew my mind to a great sense of despair when I realized, not everyone has dreams like this. I was angry at myself for being so naive as to think everyone did. I confess out of everything that was going on in my life, this was the greatest blow to my heart, spirit, and soul. I cried for all, I felt such sorrow for all, such sadness for all, it engulfed me.
These dreams are such a part of me, a part of my inner me, spiritually so profound in my heart and such an intrigal part of my search and discovery of who I am that for a moment I thought how could one be and not have dreams like this? I was devastated. The feelings of devastation were not for me, but for those souls that do not have dream companions. I cried for them, I cried for you, I cried for me, I cried for all of us. How could that be possible? My heart did not understand. My heart still does not understand. One thing that I have learned is it is okay to not understand at times.
Moon taught me that. It is okay not to understand things at times. When the time is right the meaning will come. She also taught me the concept that "the time is right" means not when I am ready but when everyone around me is also ready. Or not only when they are ready but when I am also ready. We are all intertwined in dreams.
I love all my wolves, but I met Moon first. She has journeyed with me since I was small. How small I am not sure, but that is one of the goals I hope to recall. When exactly did my dreams with the wolves start?
They Come And Go As They Please
18 March 2011
I have had many dreams with wolves throughout my lifetime. They come and they go. I am finding myself once again dreaming with wolves. I say dreaming with them because the dreams seem like awakened moments of speculation.
Why do the dreams come and why do they go away? I have been wondering that the last several days. They have started again. What brought them on again? What is it in my life or in my subconscious that triggers them to manifest from time to time?
This is a self-exploration, a research of sorts to try to find meaning in the meaningless. I enjoy this type of exploration greatly. It brings me much joy and much thought.
I had written some dreams with the wolves last year. I am eager to review the dreams from last year and compare to the new ones. I feel an intense urge to find similarities and any differences if any. I do have moments of intense speculation that end up in nothing. Somehow I find much joy and peace in those moments.
I tend to lately want to be surrounded in solitude. In the yearning for solitude I never feel alone. I search and long for inner quietness that sometimes overwhelms me with need and longing for it. This feeling is slowly creeping back into my heart, soul, and spirit. It sometimes frightens me the intense need to find quietness and just be surrounded in complete solitude. I have responsibilities and must learn to balance responsibilities with inner needs that my soul calls for.
I have definitely linked my need for inner quietness and my dreams with wolves. They become sometimes my only companions that I run with at times. Since I was a little girl, these companions have held me, carried me, guided me, played with me, cried with me, laughed with me, been angry with me, been angry without me, and the most beautiful o all, never betrayed me.
Never have they betrayed my dreams, my thoughts, my words, or my feelings. I found myself last year almost entrapped in the dreams, held spellbound and was only able to break away from them by writing about them. They can mesmerize me and almost intoxicate my sense with the vividness of the illusions of my dreams with wolves. I find myself again turning the same dream over in my mind, hopefully I will be able to move from one dream to another by writing them out again.
I am aware sometimes in our dreams we live out fears, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes our dreams mean nothing. It is the finding and becoming aware of the something out of the nothing that intrigues me. I am well aware that I can get lost in the search of finding the nothing out of something, or should I say the finding the something out of nothing?
This is a journey that I do not know how long it will last. It might last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, maybe a year, maybe many years. They come and go as they please.
I have had many dreams with wolves throughout my lifetime. They come and they go. I am finding myself once again dreaming with wolves. I say dreaming with them because the dreams seem like awakened moments of speculation.
Why do the dreams come and why do they go away? I have been wondering that the last several days. They have started again. What brought them on again? What is it in my life or in my subconscious that triggers them to manifest from time to time?
This is a self-exploration, a research of sorts to try to find meaning in the meaningless. I enjoy this type of exploration greatly. It brings me much joy and much thought.
I had written some dreams with the wolves last year. I am eager to review the dreams from last year and compare to the new ones. I feel an intense urge to find similarities and any differences if any. I do have moments of intense speculation that end up in nothing. Somehow I find much joy and peace in those moments.
I tend to lately want to be surrounded in solitude. In the yearning for solitude I never feel alone. I search and long for inner quietness that sometimes overwhelms me with need and longing for it. This feeling is slowly creeping back into my heart, soul, and spirit. It sometimes frightens me the intense need to find quietness and just be surrounded in complete solitude. I have responsibilities and must learn to balance responsibilities with inner needs that my soul calls for.
I have definitely linked my need for inner quietness and my dreams with wolves. They become sometimes my only companions that I run with at times. Since I was a little girl, these companions have held me, carried me, guided me, played with me, cried with me, laughed with me, been angry with me, been angry without me, and the most beautiful o all, never betrayed me.
Never have they betrayed my dreams, my thoughts, my words, or my feelings. I found myself last year almost entrapped in the dreams, held spellbound and was only able to break away from them by writing about them. They can mesmerize me and almost intoxicate my sense with the vividness of the illusions of my dreams with wolves. I find myself again turning the same dream over in my mind, hopefully I will be able to move from one dream to another by writing them out again.
I am aware sometimes in our dreams we live out fears, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes our dreams mean nothing. It is the finding and becoming aware of the something out of the nothing that intrigues me. I am well aware that I can get lost in the search of finding the nothing out of something, or should I say the finding the something out of nothing?
This is a journey that I do not know how long it will last. It might last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, maybe a year, maybe many years. They come and go as they please.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
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